


Thank You and Amen (Love, Sam)

by nagi_schwarz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-04
Updated: 2013-12-04
Packaged: 2018-05-26 06:59:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6228451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam Winchester's prayers reach the angel everybody forgot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thank You and Amen (Love, Sam)

**Author's Note:**

> Angel-on-angel violence, excessive references to the Book of Enoch, canon up through 9x09; woefully unbeta'd and written at my desk after work.

He was young. Everything was young, then: the glass floors of The Palace with flames dancing beneath and lightning flashing in the pillars and the brilliance of so many stars. It was all brand new, and he was excited.

He _was._

It was a new sensation, his limbs, his wings, his faces.

And then there was the Earth. One of many, but the most important one. The newest one. The one where _Joshua_ would get to do what was forbidden of the angels - live as a human.

But so far there were only two humans, and Gadreel wasn’t sure where Joshua was going to fit into the picture.

The Earth was lovely, though. Sweeping mountains and vast valleys, lush green forests and flowers in more colors than Gadreel had thought possible. He liked to drift back and forth with the tides, creeping higher and higher on the beach. Sometimes he’d race the birds across the sky. Of course, he would have to slow down a bit, because the birds were only mortal and had things like gravity and wind resistance to contend with, but it was fun.

Michael and Gabriel spent most of their days training the soldier angels, like Castiel and Uriel and Anael, but Gadreel wasn’t a soldier. Things were still being organized, and Gadreel had to wait until it was his turn for assignment, until the eternal I Am spoke and Metatron reported The Word and everything would be decided.

Gadreel was trying to teach some dolphins to swim together in pretty patterns in the ocean when the call came in - General Assembly. All the angels, all the troops, to hear the Word revealed. The master plan.

Gadreel was at the back behind some of the Choirs; they already had their white robes and their harps and lyres and were fiddling with them, fascinated by music. (Everything was music - the wind through the trees and the humans’ laughter and raindrops on leaves. But apparently they were going to be part of a new kind of music. Remiel was looking forward to something called _jazz._ )

 _Here’s the plan_ , Metatron said. _The humans are given souls, sent to earth. They live good lives, they get to come home. They don’t live good lives, well..._

 _That’s not right_ , said Lucifer. _Not fair. They should get to come home. All of them._

 _No_ , Metatron said. _Humans get to have free will. It’s what makes them special_.

(But we have free will, Gadreel thought. We don’t get to choose what job we do, but we get to choose...where to play and things, right?)

A _nd if they do bad things with their free will?_ Lucifer asked.

Murmurs rose in the crowd.

 _There’s a plan for that,_ Metatron promised. _Joshua --_

 _No,_ said Lucifer. _I’ll go. I’ll bring them all home. They have to come home._

Metatron consulted his tablet. _Not if they don’t want to._

More murmurs. _Who wouldn’t want to come home?_

Screams in the crowd. _Azazel - Shemyazaz - has a knife._

 _What’s a knife?_ Gadreel craned his neck to see.

_Lilith has a spear._

More screams. Some shouts. _It’s okay -- Michael has a sword!_

Everything was so new. Death. Destruction. The empty scent of burned-out grace.

Hands tugged at Gadreel’s wings, his faces. _This way, to safety, this way._ It was Samyaza and Remiel. _We have to hide. I think - I think this is the first war._

They found a black hole and climbed in.

When they climbed out, Lucifer was gone. Gabriel was gone. Michael had ranks upon ranks of soldiers lined up, armor shining, blades stained with blood and grace. Raphael was healing Balthazar and telling him everything would be all right.

The glass floors and walls of the palace were dry and powdery with burned-out grace. Nothing looked new anymore.

 _Where have you been?_ Uriel demanded. _Why did you not fight with us?_

Gadreel drew his wings around himself for safety, protection.

 _We did not wish to fight,_ Samyaza said. _We are not warriors._

Anger was new. Fury was new. Fear was not so new. Anger and fury burned in Raphael’s grace. _If you do not fight with us, you are against us --_

 _No. They deserve a second chance._ Joshua’s grace was cool greens and blues, like the rain on leaves in the forest, like the best music ever.

 _Please,_ said Remiel. _A second chance._

 _Anything,_ Samyaza said.

Joshua’s smile was new planets and shooting stars. He said, _Look after the humans while they look after the Garden._

The Garden was in the center of the Earth where the two humans lived. They were small, soft, frail four-limbed things. They cared for animals and plants, and they laughed a lot. Before Joshua left Gadreel, Samyaza, and Remiel at the east end of the Garden, he said, _Two trees. Only two trees they can’t touch. Otherwise, let them be._

The humans were fun. Samyaza taught them writing, and Remiel taught them about the planets and stars, how to make it rain and how to turn air into fire. Gadreel made sure the Garden was safe. The Man learned how to make a sword, and The Woman learned to make it burn with fire, and she gave it to Gadreel so he could keep the darkness away while he flew.

And then Lucifer came, one day while Gadreel was sitting at the eastern gate, and he said, _It’s not working._

(Everything was working. There was summer and autumn and winter and spring, big animals and little plants and booming volcanoes that sank continents to make new ones.)

 _The human souls are not here,_ Lucifer said.

 _Maybe they’ll never leave heaven,_ Gadreel said, because he didn’t mind if there weren’t other humans. Gadreel liked his sword, and he liked The Woman. She was kind to him. She explained why she had hair and only four limbs and no wings. She laughed.

Lucifer pointed to the tree, the first of the two Joshua had warned them about, and he said, _Convince him to eat from one, The Man._

It was a bad idea. Gadreel sent Lucifer away.

When he told Samyaza and Remiel, they said maybe it wasn’t a bad idea. After all, there were only two humans, and they hadn’t figured out how to make more. The tree - it would help them figure out how to make more. Right?

Gadreel wasn’t sure. But he asked The Man when they next crossed paths, The Man making a bow and Gadreel carrying his flaming sword.

 _No,_ said The Man. _I’m not supposed to._

_Aren’t you supposed to make more people?_

We’ll figure it out.

You and The Woman?

Well...The Woman. She’s smarter than me.

So Gadreel asked her. She bit her lip, and her eyes darkened, as if she were an angel who had lost a little bit of grace.

 _I think it’s the only way. Eating the fruit. The only way to make more people_.

Gadreel wasn’t sure he liked this plan. _It’s unfair, isn’t it? To give you two rules and make obedience to one only possible upon disobedience to the other?_

The Woman shrugged her delicate shoulders. _I suppose Choice has to start somewhere._

Gadreel held up his sword. _You chose to make this. You chose to be nice to me._

She said, _I have to make the choice that matters._ And she followed him to the tree. She only took one bite, and Gadreel knew by the way her lips parted and the sound she made that the fruit tasted good.

He’d never tasted anything.

What happened next was terrifying.

Gadreel hadn’t know The Palace of glass had rooms like this, dark and cold. How did Evil enter the Garden? Was Gadreel not watching the Gate? Michael and Raphael loomed over him, demanding, interrogating. Uriel and Anael stood behind him and pinned his wings. He could not move.

 _I’m sorry,_ Gadreel said. Over and over again. _I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry._

_Lucifer suggested it. Samyaza and Remiel said it wasn’t such a bad idea._

_Samyaza and Remiel would be dealt with._ The fury in Michael’s grace was no longer new.

_And me?_

_You will stay here. For now._

Forever.

Here was the dark cold room where Gadreel couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, could only listen. To Michael saying they had to fix this, that he would step into The Man, step into Adam and make everything right. The Woman would be cast down to Purgatory, where she would be the mother of all - of all that was dark and dangerous. The Man would take a new wife, and together they would bring more humans to earth. Find Samyaza. Find Remiel. Fix this.

There was a whisper nearby, close but muffled. Gadreel was still in a room. A room with walls. Someone was speaking to him through the walls.

Samyaza. He said, M _ichael has taken The Man, marked him forever. I will take The Woman, mark her and hers forever, make sure that whatever Michael does, someone will be able to stop him. We’ll get you out, Gadreel, you did the right thing, you did --_

And then there was the sound of burning grace.

Raphael, Uriel, and Anael opened the door of the cell, grabbed Gadreel by the wings, and took him away. They pushed him through an open door, and Raphael said, Y _ou will go in here, and you will never come out._

Here was nowhere. It was without sound, smell, touch, or sight. It was neither dark nor light. There was no floor, no ceiling, no walls. It was nothing.

Gadreel was nothing.

For how long, he didn’t know.

And then he heard a voice.

“Our Father, who art in Heaven...um, hi. I’m Sammy. Pastor Jim says praying makes him feel better, and I’m feeling kinda sick right now, and Dean’s sick too. Can you make us feel better? Pastor Jim says God can make everyone better. Dean’s been puking really bad. Make it stop, please? Thank you and amen. Love, Sam.”

Gadreel would have strained to hear it, but there was nothing to strain against.

“Dear God, Pastor Jim says we should be grateful to God for everything, ‘cause he gave it to us. I don’t know everything, but I’ll do my best. Thank you for Dean, and Pastor Jim, and Uncle Bobby, and Dad. Thank you for the ‘Mpala ‘cause it’s nice and warm to sleep in, and thank you for Lucky Charms an’ milk, an’ thank you very much for making Dean stop puking. I’ll say some more tomorrow, but it’s my bedtime now. Thank you and amen. Love, Sam.”

Unbelievable. Gadreel was hearing from a human. A real live human, not just The Man or The Woman. A whole new human being! It worked. It was all right. The fruit worked. Lucifer wasn’t bad, Gadreel wasn’t bad. Maybe Raphael and Michael would let him out?

Gadreel tried to shout, call out for them, but he had no voice.

Sam returned with faithful updates about what was happening on earth. He was thankful for trees and plants and so many of the wonderful things Gadreel remembered from when everything was new, from his days watching the Garden. But Sam was also grateful for things Gadreel had never heard of, like comic books and the knights of the round table and Dean reading to him.

Sam was always grateful for Dean.

“Dear God, can you please make Dad stop being mad at Dean? All Dean did was go play video games. I’m a big boy. I put myself to bed, and nothing bad happened. Really.”

Maybe Sam could hear Gadreel? _Sam. Sam! Can you hear me?_

“Dear God, can we stay with Uncle Bobby a little longer? Dean likes playing baseball. Thank you and amen. Love, Sam.”

Sam couldn’t hear him. But Gadreel could hear Sam, and as long as he could hear Sam, it meant he was, that he still existed.

Over and over again, Sam spoke. Gadreel wondered what time was like on Earth, at what intervals Sam thought to speak so Gadreel might hear. Sometimes his messages were long.

“Dear God, will you help the other kids at school like me? We’re going to a new school again and we’re supposed to keep our heads down and Dad doesn’t like it when we get noticed and Dean gets sad when the other kids are mean to me. I don’t like it when Dean’s sad. So can you help me make friends? Thank you and amen. Love, Sam.”

Sometimes they were short.

“Please let us not die tonight. Please. Thank you and amen. Love, Sam.”

Sometimes he asked Gadreel to pass messages along to His Mom.

“Dear God, thank you for the sunshine today. It was super rainy yesterday. Can you say hi to my mom for me? If she said hi back to Dean and Dad - it’s okay, she doesn’t have to say it to me - I bet it would make them happy. Thank you and amen. Love, Sam.”

Each time his voice was a little less sweet, a little deeper, and a little more tired.

“Dear God, can you help us find Dean? He got lost on a hunt, and Dad doesn’t know where he is. I want him back, even though I like living with Uncle Bobby. Thank you. Amen.”

“Can we stay here for a little bit longer? Please? Dad’s found Dean, but I’m on the soccer team. We could win this - I know we could. Thank you. Amen.”

“Will Dad ever understand me? Can you help him try to see things from my perspective? Or maybe give me patience so I don’t knock him on his ass the next time he lays into me? Uh. Sorry. Thank you. Amen.”

“Please, please, please let me pass this test. I’ve studied so hard. In between researching for hunts and training and -- please. I need to get out of here. Thanks. Amen.”

“I passed. Thank you. Amen.”

“I know it would be too much to ask for them not to hate me, but please, can you keep them safe? Amen.”

Gadreel knew so much about Sam. Sam wanted to be normal, wanted to make friends, wanted to get good grades. Wanted Jessica to not think he was a freak. Wanted her to say yes when he asked her out. Wanted Brady to be okay, because he’d kinda gone off the rails. Sometimes, Gadreel suspected, Sam didn’t even mean to say it, but he wanted Dad and Dean to be safe. Every time he spoke.

There was no up or down, no left or right. But there was Sam being happy, or Sam being sad, Sam being scared, or Sam being frustrated.

“Please let us find Dad, for Dean’s sake.”

“Please let me find the thing that killed Jessica.”

“Please let Dean wake up. Please.”

“Please don’t let me go darkside.”

“It’s not fair to Dean, but give him the strength to end me when the time comes.”

“Help me find a way to break this deal. _Help me._ ”

And then Sam went silent. For an eternity, he said nothing, and after a while, Gadreel began to think he’d made Sam up altogether, that Sam was a fevered dream and Michael and Raphael were still hunting Remiel after killing Samyaza and --

“Am I an abomination? Is that really what all the angels -- what _heaven_ \-- thinks of me?”

Gadreel wanted to weep with relief, and he didn’t know how he knew what weeping was, but he needed to do it.

 _No! You’re sweet, and beautiful, loving and grateful and kind and_ human _and your voice is the only heaven left in this void._

Another silence, so long Gadreel was sure he was going insane, that Sam was completely imaginary, and when he heard the voice, barely more than a whisper, broken and choked, he refused to believe it.

“Thank you for giving me enough strength not to kill him. Thank you for giving him the strength to be here with me at the end. Thank you for letting me redeem myself.”

After that, there were no more prayers, just screams.

_No. Please. Nonononono. Not Dean. Adam! Adam, don’t look, if you don’t look it’s not real --_

And Gadreel did weep.

Eventually the screams were incoherent. No words. Just pain.

And then the screams stopped.

Gadreel was alone.

He wasn’t just alone, he was gone. He was nothing. He was void. He had no height or breadth, no width or length, no sound or sight.

He...

H.

e.

...

“Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. This is my first and last confession. I am an abomination, tainted with demon blood, and a sinner who sinned even without a soul. I set Lucifer free from his cage and I slept with Ruby and I drank her blood and I killed innocent people. And I...I betrayed Dean. I broke his heart. I chose myself over him when I ran away to Stanford. I chose myself when I didn’t trust him instead of Ruby. I chose myself when I didn’t want to get my soul back. I chose Amelia and Riot over him. I’m sorry. I’ll do anything to make up for what I did. I think -- I think these trials are going to kill me, and that’s okay. Please keep Dean safe when I’m gone. And please. Please forgive me. Thank you. Amen.”

And then... the door to Gadreel’s cage opened.

One moment he was nothing, the next he was an angel suspended in a black cage with bright light glowing through the open doorway. His shackles dissolved. Suddenly there was a floor. He could step forward, step free.

He only knew one thing to do. Find Sam.

The ground opened beneath his feet.

Gadreel hurtled to earth.

Being human was awkward. Painful. Like being stuffed in a thimble, limbs broken and twisted and threatening to spill over. But Michael had done it. Castiel had done it. Joshua, the greatest of them all, he’d done it. And now that Gadreel was human, he could find Sam, thank him for being the only one to ever care about Gadreel since that terrible moment in the Garden with the Woman and the Fruit.

But how would he find Sam?

He was climbing off a bus when he heard, for the first time ever, Dean Winchester’s voice.

_Okay, listen up. This one goes out to any angel with their ears on..._


End file.
